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Sat, Mar. 7th, 2009 04:42 am
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"prep" is the first book in a while that i've read in one sitting, and I feel a little guilty for being driven by all the fluff, for still identifying the strongest with coming-of-age novels and away-at-school stories. but i guess i'll always feel guilty about being a subpar student who ended up where he shouldn't have, and there are some things i still can't let go. a few months ago i spilled a dr. pepper on my laptop and since then the keyboard hasn't worked properly. I used to write entries here, or send pages of email either bulked with emotion or unapologetically full of minute detail: "it was the fourth of july and i wore these pink shorts." now my thoughts have to be shorter, more clipped, but still more deadly. two sentences to set a scene or lay in a mood before i lose patience with having to type around certain keys or press the space bar twice and then delete to get the caps lock to light up. and sometimes i wonder whether it will have affected my memory of this winter, with no chronicle of the start of a serious relationship or the lack of lushly detailed stories about this party or that. no, it's mostly made me a little sad that for so long i used so many words to circle a thought, thinking the more i could extend a lousy email the more i would reaccustom myself with writing and maybe, finally, resume work on The Novel that has lay idle for so long. And so, to remember this winter by, and to keep it short, as I've learned to do: 1. I stoppes going out to clubs and bars so often and ended up with a boyfriend and, frighteningly, it's just as emotional this time around, regardless of how much i've "matured" since college 2. I started worrying less about work and sales numbers and more about rediscovering the simple pleasures of reading books 3. I worry less, and less intently now than ever before, but lately over the smallest things. Is it safe to park on 6th street? Is my student loan bill overdue? Posted via LiveJournal.app. Tags: via ljapp  
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Sat, Mar. 7th, 2009 12:11 am
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Woke up this morning and went to the kitchen for a glass of water to cure a pounding headache. Found three glasses of water already out from the night before, took a drink from one, found that it was a watered down glass of gin. Posted via LiveJournal.app. Tags: via ljapp Current Location: 38.225494, -85.758453 
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Wed, Sep. 17th, 2008 03:22 am
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during what has been dubbed by hysterical local media as the "windstorm of 2008," or alternatively, "remnants of hurricane ike," i was having brunch on the patio at north end. a leaf blew into my eggs and a tablemate wondered whether it was normal for telephone poles to sway. on my way to coffee with eric, traffic was backed up and i sat there watching a tree fall down, wondering how an entire city had forgotten how to handle a four-way stop.
it's all very inconvenient, not having power and roads being closed, but people need to calm the hell down. the national guard was in the streets outside of work today. this is ridiculous. reading by candlelight and not driving anywhere for lack of gas and coming up with new, creative ways to make meals out of nonperishable food is like summer vacation. the next stranger to whine to me about life being hard without ice or fresh produce and then asking if i have power is going to get a punch in the face.
my electricity came on earlier today; however, it was still quite a challenge locating somewhere to buy cigarettes.  
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Wed, Jun. 11th, 2008 08:38 pm
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the most annoying thing about moving back into the childhood house so far is that in my absence, my walk-in closet has suddenly become home to a hideous combination collection of winter furs and summer golfing apparel. chinchilla, mink, some unidentifiable dark fur that looks like blackened earthworms, and pile after pile of callaway polo shirts. in fact, after having reclaimed my room from "guest room" status, i was horrified to find not one, not two, but three matchy matchy seating sets from ethan allen: one set tacky contemporary (leather in "cool" hues), one set tacky bourgeois (awful purple paisley print upholstery on gross cherry wood), and one set tacky ethnic (batik and bamboo). what guest needs six seats? i have no idea how to get rid of this stuff because of, of course, the ever-feared neighborhood association bylaws prohibiting the disposal of furniture in public.
never trust a korean woman with money to decorate. the madam doesn't live here anymore so i can't even tell her how tacky she is.
edit: i tried on some of the furs and i do look pretty hott in chinchilla, you know, for wearing an extended family of dead rats.  
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Thu, Jun. 5th, 2008 10:18 am
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so there seems to be a resurgence of people using this thing, and i thought i might as well, but it's so out of habit that now i don't really know what to add.
1. so living in the suburbs again is fun so far. within the first day, i got a notice on my car saying that i had already violated neighborhood association rules by parking on the street two days in a row. how i had missed the neighborhood association. also, i went to kroger, and it was just enormous, at least twice the size of the falling apart campus one i'd been going to for years. it was ten in the morning and the aisles were packed full of moms fretting about whether they should make mexican shells or manicotti for dinner. it took five minutes just to be able to reach the eggs. the clerk at the circle k still remembered me five years later. how odd. 1a. it is amazing to have the following things again: a normal-sized bedroom, my own bathroom, floor-to-ceiling windows, a dishwasher, a driveway, a patio, a backyard, stainless steel everything instead of cracked porcelain.
2. so i feel like whenever someone dies i feel this guilt, like there's always some complication and it's not a simple process of shock>grief>acceptance. my relationship with my sister was pretty simple in that she was the only person in my family i liked and we banded together as outsiders to make fun of the entire extended lot. now i have no partner in mockery, and i'm still sad, but unlike the other losses i don't feel this incredible sense of guilt, or some sense of injustice, and i don't feel sorry for myself either, just the plainest, basest sadness. it will go away eventually.
3. so it comes that i'm the only one left in my family, a little earlier than anticipated. out of the four of us, i never would have expected to be the healthiest, the most successful (in a way), the most long-lived. and so in the past few days i've wondered how long it will be okay to be irresponsible and young and not put in enough effort at work, and go out more than i should, and buy things i shouldn't, and ache over boys or clothes or hair. i shouldn't be the one to carry on the name.
4. but i am. sometimes i wonder whether i should feel pressure to produce an heir and keep my name and maybe hope that a future son's family would turn out a little better. but i've been absorbed into this other group of people, whose dramas consume me even though i try to ignore them, who've co-opted my childhood, who act as my saviors, my own miss havisham. i'm still a little too selfish, a little too young, a little too unrestrained to be a namegiver.  
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Sat, May. 31st, 2008 10:18 am
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birthday dinner was a little hard. the food was good and i felt like i was okay at conversation, but someone would start talking and then in the middle of it i would get distracted and zone out. downtown was strangely sparse last night. i did have lots of fun and i did wear my super skinny jeans, sister-approved or not. thanks for the concerns; i'm really okay. 
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Fri, May. 30th, 2008 04:06 pm
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found out today that my sister died. the last thing she ever said to me was in an email: "All the gay guys here are wearing tight skinny jeans. I'm positive they are womans jeans b/c they are so tight and low cut, and i know they don't make 'the skinny' for mens. I hope you aren't wearing those. " i hope my parting words are as good.
also, today is my birthday. 
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